Life · Pain · Uncategorized

It’s okay not to be okay

Hurts.

Hurt is an emotion, it’s a feeling, it’s something thats very deep. And it hurts.

We have either been hurt or are hurt by others.

It can be painful and uncomfortable to deal with.

One of the reasons for this hurt is because again, I touch upon, our expectations we have of people.

We expect so much, that when that isn’t fulfilled we become broken. We feel our lives have crumbled down. We feel as though we can no longer move on with anything. It hurts, it really hurts and pains.

We wonder what we’ve done to be treated this way.

We contemplate on life, and wonder why people are acting in such a way, why must we always be hurt? 

Our contemplation leads us to think “why must I continue?” “What is the point?” “I can’t do this anymore” “I’m in so much pain”.

You feel as though you’re in a tight compacted container, with little air to breathe, you feel the walls closing in as though its something thats in a computer game, you feel your heart racing and find it hard to control your breathing, something that is an unconscious movement now becomes conscious.

You just want it to end, you want it to stop you just want the world to stop spinning around you.

This is only short-term pain, my dear. It is what you make it out to be.

You’ve been chosen to go through this pain. Your name is written all over it…

Life can be such a FLU sometimes. I know it hurts! I know.

Silhouette of Woman Kneeling in Prayer and Surrender

 

 

 

 

 

My dear sister or, brother

Please have the strength to keep going! I promise it wont last long. Only for a little while longer. 

I know you’ve gone through so much hurt and pain,

You feel no one will listen

There is someone who will listen.

Remember God does not burden a soul more than it can bear. You are going through this struggle and not your neighbour or, you relative, thats because you can handle it. You just have to find healthy ways of coping.

I’d like to share 3 healthy ways I cope when things get tough. They are:

  1. Praying. Whether you believe in a God or, not. This is something that has given me so much strength, peace and patience. I honestly would say it’s a secret weapon.
  2. Going to the gym. This is something I’ve been doing since my easy teens and have now made it a regular routine to go at least once a week. Makes you feel so wonderful and good; as though you’re on top of the world 🙂
  3. Eating healthy greens. Its’ a new thing I’m trying. The phrase you hear “you are what you eat” is real! Hear me out.. the types of food you eat has a massive effect on your outer and inner beauty. Even your mood!  (I’ll hopefully be blogging about this shortly) I would start off by having a banana and spinach smoothie (with or without soya milk). It’s literally so so good.

Stay strong and beboldhideless 

A x

Life · Pain

Despite the past, it still pains…

Woman-Depressed.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

What am I doing to myself? why am I doing this to myself?I’m holding back so much. So much that its unbearable yet I still keep going with it. Why can’t I be kind to myself? Why can’t I love myself? I’m tired of doing this to myself. I’m tired of not loving myself.

I try to be a confident, young woman and comfortable in my skin, not worrying what others think of me.Instead what attacks me more is worrying about what I think of myself. Me. I feel extremely negative towards myself that when I do say a positive thing about me it makes me emotional, like teary emotional.

I’ve spoken about confidence in my other posts. It’s something I’m working on.

The other day whilst at work I was included in the numbers and given a responsibility. It involved my name being put on the board along with other members of staff. I felt nervous, extremely nervous, which is normal I guess for anyone whose new to the role. But, I didn’t want my name there.

I didn’t want anyone to notice me, to see me. I wanted to be invisible..

I was questioning myself the whole time, doubting myself, not believing in myself and constantly kept putting myself down. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself I know I can do it but, something within me isn’t having it. It kept telling me I was no good. I need to take a backseat.

I felt really uncomfortable and scared. I was fearful. I didn’t want to make a mistake.

Looking back I guess that something within me was “little A”. It was little me, fearful for her life. Continuously being told you’re not worthy, useless, ugly and incompetent was hard. I was used to sitting in the back seat.

I was silenced into not speaking out. I was told no-one would believe me. No-one would listen.

I was always in the shadows and never had the limelight.

I was always the one to say “yes” and never commanded or was seen.
And now,  now, I’m working in a field where I need to put myself forward; no longer in the back seat. I’m in a profession that requires me to speak out for the vulnerable and weak.

How can I take this responsibility when,

I still haven’t been in contact with the little girl, called me.

emotional-pain1

A

X

Beboldhideless

Life · Pain · Uncategorized

Why does it hurt?

I feel myself going forward, but seem to be holding myself back. As soon as I enter the room my mind tells me that I can’t do it, no -one will believe you, no-one cares and no-one wants to hear it.

It keeps repeating itself, over and over again as though its a stereo.

pain

I know I can do it.

You know I sometimes question myself, I ask myself, am I making this all up? is this even true? whats going on? I begin to question my own judgement because people have not taking responsibility. No one has confessed for the wrong thats happened and for that reason I’ve decided to pick up the pieces. I mean, someone has to. 

It’s weighed me down tremondleously. At first, it was bearable. Now, its pulled me completely down and I’m just about off the ground.

I’m broken, Im hurting and I’m in pain. Why can’t people take responsibility for the wrong they’ve done? why can’t someone confess.  Can’t you see I’m in pain?

I’ve been hurting for a while, you haven’t noticed, you’ve seen me day by day but no notice, you hear my pleads, my shouts, my crying and my arguments but never see or hear the pain I’m in? how can this be? am I not deserving of your love.

Despite whats happened, or gone on in life, people will not always take responsibility for the harm they’ve caused you.  They will not apologies, even though you prove to them that they’re in the wrong. Even though theres living proof of the harm caused.

This is not because they don’t believe you, this is because they know they’ve wronged you, but don’t see the harm that was caused.

In this situation you may never get an apology. And you’re likely to be waiting your entire life for something that, perhaps isn’t on anyones agenda. You need to keep your head up high, stay strong and work on yourself. Build your character and strength.

I know everything I feel, think or experience is real. I have not made it up.

People need to understand, that survivors  are not just great story tellers.

I’ve learnt to just be me.

I’m just going to

beboldhideless

x