I was young, weak and vulnerable,
in so much pain and despair.
I had reached my peak,
as life became so bleak.
I could not trust anyone, as people closest to me had broken my trust.
I gave you my heart, expecting love and support, instead,
I received hurt.
You stole your heart.
You ripped my insides and left me out to dry.
I had no control of what was going on,
the pain and fury was bubbling up inside, having no place to hide.
I want to let you know that I let you in, when no-one else could be trusted.
I thought you would make me feel good and worthy.
Don’t get me wrong, there were times when I felt in control and on the upper hand.
When I thought I had little control, you gave that me; you showed me what it feels like to
be in control.
But, what I received, was nothing like what I expected.
I want to let you know how dark you used to make my day,
and how cold my nights.
You would leave me hungry and weak,
as you tore through my life;
restricting my intake,
leading me to count calories instead of creating memories and goals.
why would you do this to me?
Telling me how worthless and ugly I was,
how fat my thighs were,
how big my stomach;
Little did I know that you blinded me with your lies.
The control which I was longing for, was know longer there, rather, you made me feel
weak and ashamed.
Standing in front of a mirror,
I could not see!
you blurred out my vision and clouded my thoughts.
A second, a minute, an hour, a day a week would go by,
there was never a day that you would walk on by.
The buzzer would go off, and young teenagers would go out to chicken shops or eat
My idea was to go home, where you would follow and start the pickering again.
Despite my body saying “I am hungry”,
you only ignored.
You introduced me to a friend called, scale.
Checking my weight hardly ever,
I was doing it daily, seemingly like forever.
The small amount I gained, the harder I became to myself.
At first your voices were not loud, but as time went on they would get louder and louder.
To a point where I would restrict my calorie intake to just 500 or..maybe just have an apple,
or maybe even a cookie if I was treating myself.
Looking religiously at food packaging,
I became obsessed. This happened for days, weeks, months and years.
You followed me throughout my teens,
and stayed when you were know longer wanted.
You’ve led many people to their end
and a majority crying out for help,
some even standing on the edge.
I would suffer in silence, and not make a sound.
“Oh how you have lost weight”…… “you’re so skinny”…. “you really need to eat”
“Here, have this pasta”
Yet, those closest never knew what I was battling with.
I needed that control so much, and I wanted to cause myself pain.
You ask why?
It was because I had such low self-esteem, and no self-worth. Not forgetting the pain I swallowed.
I despised who I was….
I could not see me, for you have blinded me.
I could have been a statistic,
but….. I decided to rise up and overcome.
It was only when I realised you were an enemy rather than a friend that I decided to say goodbye.
You did not give up so easily,
coming through when times were hard.
I shut you out for good,
not to return.
I put my foot down and had supportive friends,
people who truly cared and were interested in my future.
This would be the end for you.
Never to return.
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