Life · Pain · Uncategorized

Are you really worth it?

The story of why I keep blaming myself….battle.jpg

For a long time now I never really understood myself. I haven’t been able to understand why I am such a reserved person; for a while now I haven’t felt like I know who I am.

Only recently do I feel like I am getting to know myself. I am hopefully beginning to love myself more and use more of my capabilities

There is a particular issue I want to address, it’s the issue which will hopefully make more sense as you read along..

I’ve been raised around family most of my life, as most people have I presume. My family were pretty much my life. We would do everything together. I even considered them to be my best friends- for that reason I didn’t particularly make much friendships. Looking back now I feel like that perhaps wasn’t the best of ideas because it meant that I was not able to form very close relationships with people because I knew that I could do most things with my family.

Only now, in my early twenties have I realised that things aren’t what it is. Now that I see the “family” I was once close to, who was once my world, have I realised that it was not a healthy relationship.

I feel like I’m losing track of what I’m saying….

During my late teens, I made a disclosure, a disclosure which was going to change the rest of my life.…… in particular how I viewed my family. But, was going to uncover myself.

Before I made the disclosure, I knew I would not be supported, I knew that my “family” would be against it. Yet, I still hoped. I had a tiny bit of hope, why? Because I’m someone who has faith and hope is what keeps me moving.

As predicted, the reaction was that of shock and horror, and no it’s not what you think.

The reaction I received was anger. I had in some way betrayed the family.

Surely, I shouldn’t be blamed for something that was not my fault? No? I guess they thought otherwise..

For years now I’m talking less than five years I’ve had to come to terms with this. I’ve been blaming myself so much for everything that has gone wrong, I’ve had to listen to the sly comments and pretending everything is okay, when in actual fact…I mean clearly things are not ok.

I’ve had to hide my emotions… ignore them and pretend they’re not there, despite the amount of times they would creep up….I would quickly shut the lid and say “there is no room to deal with the pain” Honestly, the pain and hurt just cannot be expressed in words.

-Do you understand why I blame myself for everything?-

For the next…only God knows how long, I was to live in an environment that was toxic, harmful, pernicious and draining- that was called, home.

Words cannot express how much pain this place causes me. It causes me so much hurt and anguish. Home is meant to be a place you come back to, a place where you feel safe and secure. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like I’m not safe. I just need positivity around me,

It is extremely difficult when you want to work on yourself and grow as a person and yet you’re surrounded by so much negativity.

There are times when I can feel myself grow, then suddenly, I come crashing down. All the self-hate comments come running….. Most of the times there is a trigger.

“you’re worthless, ugly, weak, a burden…..” They just don’t stop.

You feel worthless, unloved, weak, degraded… you’re basically battling with yourself.

The way I deal with this when they creep up on me is by repeating affirmations, may sound weird, but repeating comments like “I am great. I am confident. I am beautiful” can actually make a massive difference in terms of erasing the negative thoughts. As humans, we tend to dwell on the negative comments. For example, if someone asks how your day went, most often than not you will mention everything that went wrong or, talk about how your boss treats you awfully, right? Have we ever mentioned how great our day went or, the amazing chocolates your colleague, who you dislike, brought in today?

*just something to think about*

Only recently have I felt myself growing and becoming stronger, much stronger than before.

If I’ve learnt something I have learnt that as humans, we adapt to change. We adapt to things to help ourselves cope and to help us thrive. I mean I would say one of our strengths is that we can adapt whatever the weather.

I just wanted to share my experience nor, do I want this to go on any longer, which is why I’m cutting it short. But I do want people to know that I don’t act the way I do because I’m being snobbish or, arrogant. It’s just I’m trying to survive.

The person I am today is because of my previous experiences and current because without this, I’m telling you I wouldn’t have come this far nor, would I be the person I am. I’m am standing x10 stronger because of my experiences. The key thing I’d like to share is self-reflection – It’s the secret to a happy and mindful life.

I am utterly grateful for everything that I have experienced and gone through. I will admit, it wasn’t easy, as I have mentioned previously but, I can see myself changing for the better and getting to know who I am; which is something I haven’t been able to do for a while.

I am thankful to God, for getting me through these difficult years and days. Without His Mercy, I honestly wouldn’t be where I am.

“Be your own torch bearer– be a light through your dark days and see your way out. For darkness does not exist if there is light, and light does not exist without darkness.” A

Beboldhideless

A x

Source: image from simplereminders.com*

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Life · Pain

Despite the past, it still pains…

Woman-Depressed.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

What am I doing to myself? why am I doing this to myself?I’m holding back so much. So much that its unbearable yet I still keep going with it. Why can’t I be kind to myself? Why can’t I love myself? I’m tired of doing this to myself. I’m tired of not loving myself.

I try to be a confident, young woman and comfortable in my skin, not worrying what others think of me.Instead what attacks me more is worrying about what I think of myself. Me. I feel extremely negative towards myself that when I do say a positive thing about me it makes me emotional, like teary emotional.

I’ve spoken about confidence in my other posts. It’s something I’m working on.

The other day whilst at work I was included in the numbers and given a responsibility. It involved my name being put on the board along with other members of staff. I felt nervous, extremely nervous, which is normal I guess for anyone whose new to the role. But, I didn’t want my name there.

I didn’t want anyone to notice me, to see me. I wanted to be invisible..

I was questioning myself the whole time, doubting myself, not believing in myself and constantly kept putting myself down. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself I know I can do it but, something within me isn’t having it. It kept telling me I was no good. I need to take a backseat.

I felt really uncomfortable and scared. I was fearful. I didn’t want to make a mistake.

Looking back I guess that something within me was “little A”. It was little me, fearful for her life. Continuously being told you’re not worthy, useless, ugly and incompetent was hard. I was used to sitting in the back seat.

I was silenced into not speaking out. I was told no-one would believe me. No-one would listen.

I was always in the shadows and never had the limelight.

I was always the one to say “yes” and never commanded or was seen.
And now,  now, I’m working in a field where I need to put myself forward; no longer in the back seat. I’m in a profession that requires me to speak out for the vulnerable and weak.

How can I take this responsibility when,

I still haven’t been in contact with the little girl, called me.

emotional-pain1

A

X

Beboldhideless