Life · Pain · Uncategorized

Why does it hurt?

I feel myself going forward, but seem to be holding myself back. As soon as I enter the room my mind tells me that I can’t do it, no -one will believe you, no-one cares and no-one wants to hear it.

It keeps repeating itself, over and over again as though its a stereo.


I know I can do it.

You know I sometimes question myself, I ask myself, am I making this all up? is this even true? whats going on? I begin to question my own judgement because people have not taking responsibility. No one has confessed for the wrong thats happened and for that reason I’ve decided to pick up the pieces. I mean, someone has to. 

It’s weighed me down tremondleously. At first, it was bearable. Now, its pulled me completely down and I’m just about off the ground.

I’m broken, Im hurting and I’m in pain. Why can’t people take responsibility for the wrong they’ve done? why can’t someone confess.  Can’t you see I’m in pain?

I’ve been hurting for a while, you haven’t noticed, you’ve seen me day by day but no notice, you hear my pleads, my shouts, my crying and my arguments but never see or hear the pain I’m in? how can this be? am I not deserving of your love.

Despite whats happened, or gone on in life, people will not always take responsibility for the harm they’ve caused you.  They will not apologies, even though you prove to them that they’re in the wrong. Even though theres living proof of the harm caused.

This is not because they don’t believe you, this is because they know they’ve wronged you, but don’t see the harm that was caused.

In this situation you may never get an apology. And you’re likely to be waiting your entire life for something that, perhaps isn’t on anyones agenda. You need to keep your head up high, stay strong and work on yourself. Build your character and strength.

I know everything I feel, think or experience is real. I have not made it up.

People need to understand, that survivors  are not just great story tellers.

I’ve learnt to just be me.

I’m just going to





Do not despair, build your confidence

It’s been a couple weeks since I last posted. If I’m being honest, I just haven’t been motivated enough to post or even had the confidence. I’ve just been disheartened and have felt that I’m not good enough. A feeling that probably one too many of us have felt or feel. I just felt like I wasn’t achieving what I wanted to achieve. I wanted to make an impact instantaneously.  But, in reality you don’t wake up one morning with £10,000 in your bank account. If only.

Don’t get me wrong, I have wanted to post but, just haven’t had the courage to write or the self-confidence.


Confidence is so important. It applies to all aspects of our lives and allows to become successful people and great writers. It’s one of those qualities that without, you just wont be able to achieve your goals or have high aspirations.

Self-confidence, is one of those attributes that means different things to different people and can be perceived by others in different ways. It can have multiple definitions. It is important to respect someones interpretation of what they believe is self-confidence. So you may not always come to an agreement.

I believe that self-confidence is an attitude that you hold towards yourself that allows you to achieve great things. I myself don’t have high confidence. In fact I don’t feel like I have much self-worth.  But, that doesn’t stop me from trying. I will keep going until I achieve what I intend on achieving. I will work towards achieving my goals, even if it means my confidence will come after.

You know the phrase, “fake it till you make it” well, in this case you actually need to go with the phrase because it may take you forever for that confidence to come. Maybe you need to achieve a goal and then that confidence will come.

We shouldn’t stop achieving our goals just because we don’t have confidence.Our life shouldn’t stop because we aren’t feeing “able”. If that was the case then people today would not be achieving great things.

I’m going to share with you three tips to help develop self-confidence:


Believe in yourself. Know that you are able to achieve great things. Know that you have the skills and qualities to be a successful leader.


Write down your goals and take action. Do not sit around and ponder upon how low your mood is or what someone else is doing. Get up and start achieving great things. Don’t take things seriously or personally if they don’t work out. Besides, whats the worse that can happen?


“The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear.”
William Jennings Bryan

Face your fears.  It may sound daunting and you’re probably thinking this could not get any worse. But in order to become confident then you need to push aside the demons you have placed in your way and allow yourself to grow. Our thoughts sometimes can be irrational and may even make things x10 worse than what it is. However, some of our fears are genuine and may actually be preventing you from any harm. So do not assume your fear is irrational.



Life · Pain


Separation is probably a must.

Sometimes in life you have to just be selfish. You WILL disappoint, you WILL upset people along the way, you WILL be cursed but, you have to just be selfish.

No matter what you do to try and make things better it wont change. The only one that can change is yourself. You can make the difference and be that change.

This journey will be hard, it will be lonely, there will be tears, sweat and blood. At the end of the day, it’s your life, you’re the one living it. So no matter how hard it will be, always remember the end result, it will be worth it.

“life is hard. You came into it with difficulty, hardship, blood and sweat and you will experience difficulty, hardship, blood and sweat. But, the end of the road will be beautiful” anon

The struggles that I’ve been through the last thing I want is for my friends to be hurt I can’t let them be hurt, even if it means separating  family from friends.

I can’t go through that. I just can’t. I can’t let them speak bad about my friends, the friends who stood by me when the ones who were meant to protect me and love me shut me down. Calling me all kinds. Being called a ‘betrayer’ is what hurt the most. To be told my members of family that you have betrayed them, to be told  you have ruined the lives of others while you hurt and try to get your life on track, is the worst feeling anyone can experience. It’s the loneliest experience.

If I’m being honest, I’m still hiding. 

I’m still fighting with myself. The battle in your mind, telling you to do one thing and then dismissing it saying you can’t. The mind that knows truth from falsehood and darkness from light. Did you make the right choice?

You continue to live life trying to please others and making them smile. You do a good job fulfilling their happiness but neglect yours. They don’t think twice about how you’re feeling or what you’re going through, they don’t give two pennies about it all. And yet you try and try and try. Until only God knows when you’ll stop

I keep doing the same thing again and again about pleasing others. And it hurts, it hurts so much putting your life on the side trying to fulfil others. God does not want that plan for you, and if God does not want that plan for you to just live the life of others and sit around then what does that mean. It means your treasure is still waiting for you.

I’ve not been so broken inside. Constant battling between wanting to live your life and trying to please others. Just know that living the life of others is not cool, it’s tiring, it hurts, its dark and painful.

It need not be that way.

If you want to look after yourself then you need to love yourself and know yourself. You can’t pretend your doing the above and yet hope for success and acceptance.

As I continuously keep mentioning about life being a journey, because it is. Your journey is going to be different from your friends, your neighbours, your colleagues. It will be different. If it were the same then that wouldn’t be beautiful, you would have the same experiences, and you wont learn from the same experiences.

Where the problem of disappointment and lack of self-acceptance comes from is the fact that you are looking so much at others, looking so much at their life, their job, their looks that you completely neglect yourself. You forget who you are and what your purpose is,

you are meant to be special. your life is awaiting you, all you need to do is walk towards it. It may take you hours, days, weeks, months or even years to get there but, it is waiting for you.



Life · Pain · Uncategorized


Do you ever feel so much pain sometimes, and yet try to cover it up and pretend it doesn’t exist? So much pain that you wonder why you’re here, so much pain that you want it to end so much pain that life’ is no more.

so much heartache……Why? It stems from disappointment.


Noun- dɪsa-ppoint-ment

> sadness or displeasure caused by non-fulfilment of ones hopes or expectations.

My hopes and expectations have never been met or fulfilled and I still try; I still hope that people will change for the better. Wait… hold up, I shouldn’t have to wait or hope in others for my life to be brighter, I should move on up. However, sometimes I guess people will never change. The change must come from yourself. During my early years I’ve always been disappointed, life just wasn’t the way I hoped or wished for, it was a challenge.

To be honest, even now I have been disappointed. To a point that I cant trust any being or, want to live if the closest to you cause you so much harm. I would always wait for a miracle to happen….await for a superhero to take me away, away from all trouble and put me somewhere where i belong…somewhere I feel safe and secure.

I was always the one who wouldn’t speak up, the one who was at the bottom, the one who….. I wouldn’t necessarily say no-one wanted to be friends with me rather, I tried to fit into different groups…even if it meant pretending to like what they liked. You’re probably wondering..who has time for that? I guess for me it wasn’t time it was a way of hiding…concealing myself. Any group I went to I would feel disappointed…. it wasn’t what I hoped for.

maybe your placing so much on others

maybe its your expectations thats causing you disappointment

sometimes we have so much expectations of people that we forget that they aren’t able to offer us what we need or want. Those people can be include family.

The reason for my disappointments is linked to my expectations. If I had not placed so much emphasis on the importance family then maybe just maybe I would not be feeling low or broken.

Life’s disappointments kept pushing me back to the start, it keeps pushing me back to the starting point. I keep setting myself targets and goals; I’ve said to myself that I will…what happens? I can’t do it.

I’m back to the start with the negative thoughts, self-loathe, worthlessness and self-blame. It just gets stronger and stronger. Life is moving, the sun rises and sets everyday but I, I is still searching for the bright light, well, I guess I’ve seen it, I just need to walk towards it.

I’m not going to blame others for trying to ‘conceal myself’ I just didn’t know who I was, I still don’t know who I am, which is why I’m embarking on this journey.

you have a chance…

I’ve always been told that I shouldn’t aim high, I should only reach for what I am capable of reaching. Little did I no that I am actually capable of achieving my goals, I’m capable of doing what I want to, as long as I put my mind to it.  Let me tell you something, when it came to applying to university, I asked my teacher whether I should apply to this specific uni, bearing in mind I wasn’t predicted A’s and was doing a BTEC. Not that theres anything wrong with a BTEC. The point is she said I had no chance. Now, I’m studying at a prestigious university doing what I dreamed of.

I dreamed when I was younger that I want to help others when I’m older, I want to be able to give them that compassion which they may not have received and make a difference. Only a couple more months until I have that title, God Willing of course.

It just proves that when you put your mind to it, it is possible and you will achieve it. It’s all in the mind.

You’ve just got to beboldhideless. 



The journey begins…

Ive been waiting, waiting for the write time to start writing. its been hard, its been a rough road but now is the time.

The smell, the sight, the noise, their presence……. it begins. Sudden awakening, scared, frightened, fragile, helpless, shaking, heart racing, trembling, gasping for air….i’ve lost control. i don’t have control. I was scared. The most awful and scariest experience I’ve had. Scared by my own thoughts…..Imma tackle this bad boy!

The time has come for me to turn my life around, to become a better person to make that change. I’m tired of standing around and remaining quiet, I’m tired of not being able to have a say, I’m tired of just pretending everything is okay….… when really…really it isn’t okay. My voice has been snatched from me, it was taken from me, I have no say, i don’t deserve to say anything, my voice doesn’t matter.

Now, I’ve decided i can’t remain like this. this isn’t life. surely life shouldn’t be tis hard! this cant just be it. How can a being be put onto earth to remain quiet and controlled by people, a being who has so much capabilities is being silenced by others. That has to change.

The need to change has come from the pain. I’m in pain, I’ve been in pain for years, I’ve been hurting for years, i’ve been wanting to change for years. and now is the time. Well, i often say this but who knows whether I’m serious or not. I tend to say things, those things that i say are a means to comfort me, it gives me hope and that hope is the driving force. However, sometimes its not about the words but your actions. You’re actions is what starts the change. But that action is the most difficult part.

I’m so afraid, i don’t know what to expect, I’ve been in this comfort zone for years, never have i ever had the courage to leave this comfort zone and now, now I’ve realised the comfort zone is killing me. It’s suffocating me and preventing me from being happy. It’s stopping me from leading the life i want to live. How can i stay put in this drama?

Do you know what? you keep praying, praying and praying, asking God for a way out, for you to find an exit from this pain, praying for a miracle. little do we know that the answers are around us. We haven’t taken the initial step towards it, its waiting for us to make the move. How easy would it be if God could just show us and place it in front of us….hold up…it is placed in front of us. This is i guess the beauty of it, its meant to be a. Journey. one that leads to a beautiful road.

I cannot wait to start this journey, I’m excited, scared, nervous and so looking forward to this journey. I don’t know what to expect but, i pray for guidance.


First blog post

Hey all

I’d like to say welcome on board!

Namaste, bienvenue, bemvindo, bienvenidos, welkom, soo dhawow, wilkommen!

I’ve not blogged before nor, have I ever published my work, so this is a completely new experience, its extremely frightening but, but, I feel the need to share my experience and creativity and let the world know that we aren’t all perfect.

I’m not perfect. It probably doesn’t sound wise to get tips from someone who is not where she wants to be, is what some would say, but, the struggles and traumas of life is what has gotten me where I am today, its made me the person I am today and I will use that to create my future.I want to be able to help you and reach out to you, wherever you are in the world, no matter what stage in the journey you are on. I want you to join me.  Thats why I call it a journey. Hop on board. 

I’m a student and on a journey to discovering more about myself.

Life has not been easy, it’s still not easy but, sometimes you’ve got to go through pain, sweat and blood to see the diamond on the other side. Your destination will be beautiful.

Hopefully, in my writing you’ll be able to discover who I am and I can share my creativity with you.

Remember beboldhideless.