Life · Pain · Uncategorized

Di-sa-ppoint-ment

Do you ever feel so much pain sometimes, and yet try to cover it up and pretend it doesn’t exist? So much pain that you wonder why you’re here, so much pain that you want it to end so much pain that life’ is no more.

so much heartache……Why? It stems from disappointment.

Disappointment:

Noun- dɪsa-ppoint-ment

> sadness or displeasure caused by non-fulfilment of ones hopes or expectations.

My hopes and expectations have never been met or fulfilled and I still try; I still hope that people will change for the better. Wait… hold up, I shouldn’t have to wait or hope in others for my life to be brighter, I should move on up. However, sometimes I guess people will never change. The change must come from yourself. During my early years I’ve always been disappointed, life just wasn’t the way I hoped or wished for, it was a challenge.

To be honest, even now I have been disappointed. To a point that I cant trust any being or, want to live if the closest to you cause you so much harm. I would always wait for a miracle to happen….await for a superhero to take me away, away from all trouble and put me somewhere where i belong…somewhere I feel safe and secure.

I was always the one who wouldn’t speak up, the one who was at the bottom, the one who….. I wouldn’t necessarily say no-one wanted to be friends with me rather, I tried to fit into different groups…even if it meant pretending to like what they liked. You’re probably wondering..who has time for that? I guess for me it wasn’t time it was a way of hiding…concealing myself. Any group I went to I would feel disappointed…. it wasn’t what I hoped for.

maybe your placing so much on others

maybe its your expectations thats causing you disappointment

sometimes we have so much expectations of people that we forget that they aren’t able to offer us what we need or want. Those people can be include family.

The reason for my disappointments is linked to my expectations. If I had not placed so much emphasis on the importance family then maybe just maybe I would not be feeling low or broken.

Life’s disappointments kept pushing me back to the start, it keeps pushing me back to the starting point. I keep setting myself targets and goals; I’ve said to myself that I will…what happens? I can’t do it.

I’m back to the start with the negative thoughts, self-loathe, worthlessness and self-blame. It just gets stronger and stronger. Life is moving, the sun rises and sets everyday but I, I is still searching for the bright light, well, I guess I’ve seen it, I just need to walk towards it.

I’m not going to blame others for trying to ‘conceal myself’ I just didn’t know who I was, I still don’t know who I am, which is why I’m embarking on this journey.

you have a chance…

I’ve always been told that I shouldn’t aim high, I should only reach for what I am capable of reaching. Little did I no that I am actually capable of achieving my goals, I’m capable of doing what I want to, as long as I put my mind to it.  Let me tell you something, when it came to applying to university, I asked my teacher whether I should apply to this specific uni, bearing in mind I wasn’t predicted A’s and was doing a BTEC. Not that theres anything wrong with a BTEC. The point is she said I had no chance. Now, I’m studying at a prestigious university doing what I dreamed of.

I dreamed when I was younger that I want to help others when I’m older, I want to be able to give them that compassion which they may not have received and make a difference. Only a couple more months until I have that title, God Willing of course.

It just proves that when you put your mind to it, it is possible and you will achieve it. It’s all in the mind.

You’ve just got to beboldhideless. 

x

Uncategorized

The journey begins…

Ive been waiting, waiting for the write time to start writing. its been hard, its been a rough road but now is the time.

The smell, the sight, the noise, their presence……. it begins. Sudden awakening, scared, frightened, fragile, helpless, shaking, heart racing, trembling, gasping for air….i’ve lost control. i don’t have control. I was scared. The most awful and scariest experience I’ve had. Scared by my own thoughts…..Imma tackle this bad boy!

The time has come for me to turn my life around, to become a better person to make that change. I’m tired of standing around and remaining quiet, I’m tired of not being able to have a say, I’m tired of just pretending everything is okay….… when really…really it isn’t okay. My voice has been snatched from me, it was taken from me, I have no say, i don’t deserve to say anything, my voice doesn’t matter.

Now, I’ve decided i can’t remain like this. this isn’t life. surely life shouldn’t be tis hard! this cant just be it. How can a being be put onto earth to remain quiet and controlled by people, a being who has so much capabilities is being silenced by others. That has to change.

The need to change has come from the pain. I’m in pain, I’ve been in pain for years, I’ve been hurting for years, i’ve been wanting to change for years. and now is the time. Well, i often say this but who knows whether I’m serious or not. I tend to say things, those things that i say are a means to comfort me, it gives me hope and that hope is the driving force. However, sometimes its not about the words but your actions. You’re actions is what starts the change. But that action is the most difficult part.

I’m so afraid, i don’t know what to expect, I’ve been in this comfort zone for years, never have i ever had the courage to leave this comfort zone and now, now I’ve realised the comfort zone is killing me. It’s suffocating me and preventing me from being happy. It’s stopping me from leading the life i want to live. How can i stay put in this drama?

Do you know what? you keep praying, praying and praying, asking God for a way out, for you to find an exit from this pain, praying for a miracle. little do we know that the answers are around us. We haven’t taken the initial step towards it, its waiting for us to make the move. How easy would it be if God could just show us and place it in front of us….hold up…it is placed in front of us. This is i guess the beauty of it, its meant to be a. Journey. one that leads to a beautiful road.

I cannot wait to start this journey, I’m excited, scared, nervous and so looking forward to this journey. I don’t know what to expect but, i pray for guidance.

Uncategorized

First blog post

Hey all

I’d like to say welcome on board!

Namaste, bienvenue, bemvindo, bienvenidos, welkom, soo dhawow, wilkommen!

I’ve not blogged before nor, have I ever published my work, so this is a completely new experience, its extremely frightening but, but, I feel the need to share my experience and creativity and let the world know that we aren’t all perfect.

I’m not perfect. It probably doesn’t sound wise to get tips from someone who is not where she wants to be, is what some would say, but, the struggles and traumas of life is what has gotten me where I am today, its made me the person I am today and I will use that to create my future.I want to be able to help you and reach out to you, wherever you are in the world, no matter what stage in the journey you are on. I want you to join me.  Thats why I call it a journey. Hop on board. 

I’m a student and on a journey to discovering more about myself.

Life has not been easy, it’s still not easy but, sometimes you’ve got to go through pain, sweat and blood to see the diamond on the other side. Your destination will be beautiful.

Hopefully, in my writing you’ll be able to discover who I am and I can share my creativity with you.

Remember beboldhideless. 

x

 

 

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