Meaningless

via Daily Prompt: Meaningless

Meaningless– ˈmiːnɪŋləs – can be defined as,  having no meaning or significance 

It is a word that is said many times, but the meaning isn’t given much attention.

We all have days when we feel like everything is meaningless. Your job, family, friends and life.

Days that feel like they are just carrying so much pain, hurt, sadness and work;

Other days that make you feel like you’re on top of the world.

I have gone through days that contained so much pain, so much hurt and so much anguish. I still go through these days. Days where I have questioned, not just the meaning of life, but the meaning of myself, I. Wondering who I am? and what I’m doing? Days where I have just felt complete and utter emptiness, wondering why life is so meaningless…

But, I have concluded that, everything in life has a meaning.

Everything.

From the tiny ant that you see on the ground, to the shining star that glows at night.

From the the breathe of air that you inhale to the sounds of silence.

Everything on this earth has a meaning. It has a meaning to each and every single one of us.

You don’t have to look far for that meaning, all you have to do is look in the mirror.

Look at your reflection.

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Because, you are the meaning of life. You are wonderful, amazing, beautiful, courageous and strong. Everything you have gone through, all that hurt and pain, all those negative comments people have said to you, the way they’ve treated you is what has given you meaning. It has given you life because without all of the struggles you’ve gone through, you wouldn’t be the person you are today. You wouldn’t be standing here so strong.         You wouldn’t be the reflection. 

Remember, whatever you think or feel is ‘meaningless’, only arises from yourself and the judgements that you have made. All you have to do is change the way you view life, change the way you view yourself and see that change.

Trust and beboldhideless. 

 

it’s just fear, they say

It’s been a while now since I’ve last posted and honestly, I just haven’t had the chance to post.

I’ve been ridiculously busy with studies, especially being in my final year, so much has been happening, deadlines are around the corner; writing a dissertation, planning an assignment, exams and applying for graduate jobs. You name it.

I can’t believe its happening so fast; I almost feel as though I haven’t been given a chance to breathe.

Honestly, I cannot believe that I’ve applied for graduate jobs already. JOBS. I mean this isn’t like any other job I’ve applied for, its a dream job.I mean, is it too soon? am I ready? can I handle the responsibility? so many thoughts rushing through my mind. Leaving me questioning myself, questioning what I want in life?  whether this is right for me? or whether I can handle this? 

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This is fear.

And fear will honestly prevent you from achieving what you want to achieve,

It will make you doubt yourself

It will sabotage you.

And ruin you, if you allow it to. And Yes fear can be a friend. It can be helpful. So long as you do not let it overpower you.

You need to be in control and confident. And know EXACTLY what you want in life. Otherwise, your fears will take control; it will manifest itself through every aspect of your life. Preventing you from seeing or even living your dreams. It’s not a good way to live and will cause you to shy away.  A way I respond to these repetitive questions that arise because of fear is by:

  •  asking myself why.

Why did I choose this degree? why did I apply for this job and what do I want to do long-term?

 

By having answers to these questions, makes me confident in the decisions I have had to make.  The key is having answers. If you don’t have an answer then that may heighten many emotions.

I’m not perfect and I’m still learning. But I do keep going and remind myself to

beboldhideless 

A x

Despite the past, it still pains…

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What am I doing to myself? why am I doing this to myself?I’m holding back so much. So much that its unbearable yet I still keep going with it. Why can’t I be kind to myself? Why can’t I love myself? I’m tired of doing this to myself. I’m tired of not loving myself.

I try to be a confident, young woman and comfortable in my skin, not worrying what others think of me.Instead what attacks me more is worrying about what I think of myself. Me. I feel extremely negative towards myself that when I do say a positive thing about me it makes me emotional, like teary emotional.

I’ve spoken about confidence in my other posts. It’s something I’m working on.

The other day whilst at work I was included in the numbers and given a responsibility. It involved my name being put on the board along with other members of staff. I felt nervous, extremely nervous, which is normal I guess for anyone whose new to the role. But, I didn’t want my name there.

I didn’t want anyone to notice me, to see me. I wanted to be invisible..

I was questioning myself the whole time, doubting myself, not believing in myself and constantly kept putting myself down. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself I know I can do it but, something within me isn’t having it. It kept telling me I was no good. I need to take a backseat.

I felt really uncomfortable and scared. I was fearful. I didn’t want to make a mistake.

Looking back I guess that something within me was “little A”. It was little me, fearful for her life. Continuously being told you’re not worthy, useless, ugly and incompetent was hard. I was used to sitting in the back seat.

I was silenced into not speaking out. I was told no-one would believe me. No-one would listen.

I was always in the shadows and never had the limelight.

I was always the one to say “yes” and never commanded or was seen.
And now,  now, I’m working in a field where I need to put myself forward; no longer in the back seat. I’m in a profession that requires me to speak out for the vulnerable and weak.

How can I take this responsibility when,

I still haven’t been in contact with the little girl, called me.

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A

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Beboldhideless

Why does it hurt?

I feel myself going forward, but seem to be holding myself back. As soon as I enter the room my mind tells me that I can’t do it, no -one will believe you, no-one cares and no-one wants to hear it.

It keeps repeating itself, over and over again as though its a stereo.

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I know I can do it.

You know I sometimes question myself, I ask myself, am I making this all up? is this even true? whats going on? I begin to question my own judgement because people have not taking responsibility. No one has confessed for the wrong thats happened and for that reason I’ve decided to pick up the pieces. I mean, someone has to. 

It’s weighed me down tremondleously. At first, it was bearable. Now, its pulled me completely down and I’m just about off the ground.

I’m broken, Im hurting and I’m in pain. Why can’t people take responsibility for the wrong they’ve done? why can’t someone confess.  Can’t you see I’m in pain?

I’ve been hurting for a while, you haven’t noticed, you’ve seen me day by day but no notice, you hear my pleads, my shouts, my crying and my arguments but never see or hear the pain I’m in? how can this be? am I not deserving of your love.

Despite whats happened, or gone on in life, people will not always take responsibility for the harm they’ve caused you.  They will not apologies, even though you prove to them that they’re in the wrong. Even though theres living proof of the harm caused.

This is not because they don’t believe you, this is because they know they’ve wronged you, but don’t see the harm that was caused.

In this situation you may never get an apology. And you’re likely to be waiting your entire life for something that, perhaps isn’t on anyones agenda. You need to keep your head up high, stay strong and work on yourself. Build your character and strength.

I know everything I feel, think or experience is real. I have not made it up.

People need to understand, that survivors  are not just great story tellers.

I’ve learnt to just be me.

I’m just going to

beboldhideless

x

 

Do not despair, build your confidence

It’s been a couple weeks since I last posted. If I’m being honest, I just haven’t been motivated enough to post or even had the confidence. I’ve just been disheartened and have felt that I’m not good enough. A feeling that probably one too many of us have felt or feel. I just felt like I wasn’t achieving what I wanted to achieve. I wanted to make an impact instantaneously.  But, in reality you don’t wake up one morning with £10,000 in your bank account. If only.

Don’t get me wrong, I have wanted to post but, just haven’t had the courage to write or the self-confidence.

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Confidence is so important. It applies to all aspects of our lives and allows to become successful people and great writers. It’s one of those qualities that without, you just wont be able to achieve your goals or have high aspirations.

Self-confidence, is one of those attributes that means different things to different people and can be perceived by others in different ways. It can have multiple definitions. It is important to respect someones interpretation of what they believe is self-confidence. So you may not always come to an agreement.

I believe that self-confidence is an attitude that you hold towards yourself that allows you to achieve great things. I myself don’t have high confidence. In fact I don’t feel like I have much self-worth.  But, that doesn’t stop me from trying. I will keep going until I achieve what I intend on achieving. I will work towards achieving my goals, even if it means my confidence will come after.

You know the phrase, “fake it till you make it” well, in this case you actually need to go with the phrase because it may take you forever for that confidence to come. Maybe you need to achieve a goal and then that confidence will come.

We shouldn’t stop achieving our goals just because we don’t have confidence.Our life shouldn’t stop because we aren’t feeing “able”. If that was the case then people today would not be achieving great things.

I’m going to share with you three tips to help develop self-confidence:

Tip1:

Believe in yourself. Know that you are able to achieve great things. Know that you have the skills and qualities to be a successful leader.

Tip2:

Write down your goals and take action. Do not sit around and ponder upon how low your mood is or what someone else is doing. Get up and start achieving great things. Don’t take things seriously or personally if they don’t work out. Besides, whats the worse that can happen?

Tip3:

“The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear.”
William Jennings Bryan

Face your fears.  It may sound daunting and you’re probably thinking this could not get any worse. But in order to become confident then you need to push aside the demons you have placed in your way and allow yourself to grow. Our thoughts sometimes can be irrational and may even make things x10 worse than what it is. However, some of our fears are genuine and may actually be preventing you from any harm. So do not assume your fear is irrational.

Beboldhideless

x

Separation

Separation is probably a must.

Sometimes in life you have to just be selfish. You WILL disappoint, you WILL upset people along the way, you WILL be cursed but, you have to just be selfish.

No matter what you do to try and make things better it wont change. The only one that can change is yourself. You can make the difference and be that change.

This journey will be hard, it will be lonely, there will be tears, sweat and blood. At the end of the day, it’s your life, you’re the one living it. So no matter how hard it will be, always remember the end result, it will be worth it.

“life is hard. You came into it with difficulty, hardship, blood and sweat and you will experience difficulty, hardship, blood and sweat. But, the end of the road will be beautiful” anon

The struggles that I’ve been through the last thing I want is for my friends to be hurt I can’t let them be hurt, even if it means separating  family from friends.

I can’t go through that. I just can’t. I can’t let them speak bad about my friends, the friends who stood by me when the ones who were meant to protect me and love me shut me down. Calling me all kinds. Being called a ‘betrayer’ is what hurt the most. To be told my members of family that you have betrayed them, to be told  you have ruined the lives of others while you hurt and try to get your life on track, is the worst feeling anyone can experience. It’s the loneliest experience.

If I’m being honest, I’m still hiding. 

I’m still fighting with myself. The battle in your mind, telling you to do one thing and then dismissing it saying you can’t. The mind that knows truth from falsehood and darkness from light. Did you make the right choice?

You continue to live life trying to please others and making them smile. You do a good job fulfilling their happiness but neglect yours. They don’t think twice about how you’re feeling or what you’re going through, they don’t give two pennies about it all. And yet you try and try and try. Until only God knows when you’ll stop

I keep doing the same thing again and again about pleasing others. And it hurts, it hurts so much putting your life on the side trying to fulfil others. God does not want that plan for you, and if God does not want that plan for you to just live the life of others and sit around then what does that mean. It means your treasure is still waiting for you.

I’ve not been so broken inside. Constant battling between wanting to live your life and trying to please others. Just know that living the life of others is not cool, it’s tiring, it hurts, its dark and painful.

It need not be that way.

If you want to look after yourself then you need to love yourself and know yourself. You can’t pretend your doing the above and yet hope for success and acceptance.

As I continuously keep mentioning about life being a journey, because it is. Your journey is going to be different from your friends, your neighbours, your colleagues. It will be different. If it were the same then that wouldn’t be beautiful, you would have the same experiences, and you wont learn from the same experiences.

Where the problem of disappointment and lack of self-acceptance comes from is the fact that you are looking so much at others, looking so much at their life, their job, their looks that you completely neglect yourself. You forget who you are and what your purpose is,

you are meant to be special. your life is awaiting you, all you need to do is walk towards it. It may take you hours, days, weeks, months or even years to get there but, it is waiting for you.

beboldhideless 

x