Life · Pain · Uncategorized

Are you really worth it?

The story of why I keep blaming myself….battle.jpg

For a long time now I never really understood myself. I haven’t been able to understand why I am such a reserved person; for a while now I haven’t felt like I know who I am.

Only recently do I feel like I am getting to know myself. I am hopefully beginning to love myself more and use more of my capabilities

There is a particular issue I want to address, it’s the issue which will hopefully make more sense as you read along..

I’ve been raised around family most of my life, as most people have I presume. My family were pretty much my life. We would do everything together. I even considered them to be my best friends- for that reason I didn’t particularly make much friendships. Looking back now I feel like that perhaps wasn’t the best of ideas because it meant that I was not able to form very close relationships with people because I knew that I could do most things with my family.

Only now, in my early twenties have I realised that things aren’t what it is. Now that I see the “family” I was once close to, who was once my world, have I realised that it was not a healthy relationship.

I feel like I’m losing track of what I’m saying….

During my late teens, I made a disclosure, a disclosure which was going to change the rest of my life.…… in particular how I viewed my family. But, was going to uncover myself.

Before I made the disclosure, I knew I would not be supported, I knew that my “family” would be against it. Yet, I still hoped. I had a tiny bit of hope, why? Because I’m someone who has faith and hope is what keeps me moving.

As predicted, the reaction was that of shock and horror, and no it’s not what you think.

The reaction I received was anger. I had in some way betrayed the family.

Surely, I shouldn’t be blamed for something that was not my fault? No? I guess they thought otherwise..

For years now I’m talking less than five years I’ve had to come to terms with this. I’ve been blaming myself so much for everything that has gone wrong, I’ve had to listen to the sly comments and pretending everything is okay, when in actual fact…I mean clearly things are not ok.

I’ve had to hide my emotions… ignore them and pretend they’re not there, despite the amount of times they would creep up….I would quickly shut the lid and say “there is no room to deal with the pain” Honestly, the pain and hurt just cannot be expressed in words.

-Do you understand why I blame myself for everything?-

For the next…only God knows how long, I was to live in an environment that was toxic, harmful, pernicious and draining- that was called, home.

Words cannot express how much pain this place causes me. It causes me so much hurt and anguish. Home is meant to be a place you come back to, a place where you feel safe and secure. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like I’m not safe. I just need positivity around me,

It is extremely difficult when you want to work on yourself and grow as a person and yet you’re surrounded by so much negativity.

There are times when I can feel myself grow, then suddenly, I come crashing down. All the self-hate comments come running….. Most of the times there is a trigger.

“you’re worthless, ugly, weak, a burden…..” They just don’t stop.

You feel worthless, unloved, weak, degraded… you’re basically battling with yourself.

The way I deal with this when they creep up on me is by repeating affirmations, may sound weird, but repeating comments like “I am great. I am confident. I am beautiful” can actually make a massive difference in terms of erasing the negative thoughts. As humans, we tend to dwell on the negative comments. For example, if someone asks how your day went, most often than not you will mention everything that went wrong or, talk about how your boss treats you awfully, right? Have we ever mentioned how great our day went or, the amazing chocolates your colleague, who you dislike, brought in today?

*just something to think about*

Only recently have I felt myself growing and becoming stronger, much stronger than before.

If I’ve learnt something I have learnt that as humans, we adapt to change. We adapt to things to help ourselves cope and to help us thrive. I mean I would say one of our strengths is that we can adapt whatever the weather.

I just wanted to share my experience nor, do I want this to go on any longer, which is why I’m cutting it short. But I do want people to know that I don’t act the way I do because I’m being snobbish or, arrogant. It’s just I’m trying to survive.

The person I am today is because of my previous experiences and current because without this, I’m telling you I wouldn’t have come this far nor, would I be the person I am. I’m am standing x10 stronger because of my experiences. The key thing I’d like to share is self-reflection – It’s the secret to a happy and mindful life.

I am utterly grateful for everything that I have experienced and gone through. I will admit, it wasn’t easy, as I have mentioned previously but, I can see myself changing for the better and getting to know who I am; which is something I haven’t been able to do for a while.

I am thankful to God, for getting me through these difficult years and days. Without His Mercy, I honestly wouldn’t be where I am.

“Be your own torch bearer– be a light through your dark days and see your way out. For darkness does not exist if there is light, and light does not exist without darkness.” A

Beboldhideless

A x

Source: image from simplereminders.com*

Advertisements
Life · Pain · Uncategorized

It’s okay not to be okay

Hurts.

Hurt is an emotion, it’s a feeling, it’s something thats very deep. And it hurts.

We have either been hurt or are hurt by others.

It can be painful and uncomfortable to deal with.

One of the reasons for this hurt is because again, I touch upon, our expectations we have of people.

We expect so much, that when that isn’t fulfilled we become broken. We feel our lives have crumbled down. We feel as though we can no longer move on with anything. It hurts, it really hurts and pains.

We wonder what we’ve done to be treated this way.

We contemplate on life, and wonder why people are acting in such a way, why must we always be hurt? 

Our contemplation leads us to think “why must I continue?” “What is the point?” “I can’t do this anymore” “I’m in so much pain”.

You feel as though you’re in a tight compacted container, with little air to breathe, you feel the walls closing in as though its something thats in a computer game, you feel your heart racing and find it hard to control your breathing, something that is an unconscious movement now becomes conscious.

You just want it to end, you want it to stop you just want the world to stop spinning around you.

This is only short-term pain, my dear. It is what you make it out to be.

You’ve been chosen to go through this pain. Your name is written all over it…

Life can be such a FLU sometimes. I know it hurts! I know.

Silhouette of Woman Kneeling in Prayer and Surrender

 

 

 

 

 

My dear sister or, brother

Please have the strength to keep going! I promise it wont last long. Only for a little while longer. 

I know you’ve gone through so much hurt and pain,

You feel no one will listen

There is someone who will listen.

Remember God does not burden a soul more than it can bear. You are going through this struggle and not your neighbour or, you relative, thats because you can handle it. You just have to find healthy ways of coping.

I’d like to share 3 healthy ways I cope when things get tough. They are:

  1. Praying. Whether you believe in a God or, not. This is something that has given me so much strength, peace and patience. I honestly would say it’s a secret weapon.
  2. Going to the gym. This is something I’ve been doing since my easy teens and have now made it a regular routine to go at least once a week. Makes you feel so wonderful and good; as though you’re on top of the world 🙂
  3. Eating healthy greens. Its’ a new thing I’m trying. The phrase you hear “you are what you eat” is real! Hear me out.. the types of food you eat has a massive effect on your outer and inner beauty. Even your mood!  (I’ll hopefully be blogging about this shortly) I would start off by having a banana and spinach smoothie (with or without soya milk). It’s literally so so good.

Stay strong and beboldhideless 

A x

Life · lifestyle · Pain

You are, your own enemy

I’m back at it again. and I wanted to let you know how my journey was going.

Today marks the end, yet the beginning ,of what I hope will be a beautiful journey.

I have successfully completed my therapy sessions (counselling) and I honestly feel like I have benefited so much. To give you a small insight, I have begun to feel comfortable in my own skin and have a much better awareness of my current situation; something I haven’t been able to do thus far.

It has not been easy.

It wasn’t an easy journey,

I honestly remember going into my first session, bearing in mind I have never spoken about my emotions, to either a friend or family member, let alone a stranger, was one of the most difficult things I have done. Yet, I had the strength to keep going back. Despite how awful I felt I kept going. There’s a phrase “you are your own enemy” < this is what I was conscious of, I knew that the only person who could get in my way, was myself. So I battled and fought.

*It’s actually not as easy as I thought it would be to write about my emotions and journey*.

To go into a room, where it is you and a “stranger”, and the sessions are going to be about “you”. “You” are the focus of discussion, was something I had to come to terms with. Something I had to get use to despite how uncomfortable it made me feel, despite how much I wanted to crawl into a ball and disappear, because, I knew that, I know longer wanted to feel this way.

I know longer wanted to feel as though life was not worth living, I know longer wanted to live in my past,
I know longer want to be silenced. I want to live in the present, without paining. I want to be free. I want a voice.

To grow and overcome this trauma, I must connect with myself.

I must connect with that inner child, I was not able to comfort, reassure, love and support.

That inner child is calling me back, is calling to ask for a hug, to ask for my love, comfort and support. It is asking for the things I was not a
ble to give; I promise I will give you all that was missing. 

I have acknowledged and I’m healing. I am on the journey.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have a long way to go but, I’m hopeful. To be honest, I feel as though I don’t have much of a choice, I’m either hopeful or, I’m hopeful. Not much of a choice is there?

As I have mentioned,  it marks the end, yet the beginning. I will continue to grow as a person and I will continue to focus on what’s around me, rather than that which I don’t have

These past couple months, I have realised that the only person that can stop you from growing and believing in yourself, is yourself. You really are your own worst enemy. And until you realise this, you will continue to harm yourself and stay static. You need to acknowledge and realise what you are doing
; you can do this alone or, may need someones help/support, (remember, it is okay to ask for help) once this happens, you can start your journey… 

Stay focused and be strong. Remember to always through the good and bad to, beboldhideless

A xfriend or foe

*Image from thethingswesay.com*

 

Life · Pain · Uncategorized

Meaningless

via Daily Prompt: Meaningless

Meaningless– ˈmiːnɪŋləs – can be defined as,  having no meaning or significance 

It is a word that is said many times, but the meaning isn’t given much attention.

We all have days when we feel like everything is meaningless. Your job, family, friends and life.

Days that feel like they are just carrying so much pain, hurt, sadness and work;

Other days that make you feel like you’re on top of the world.

I have gone through days that contained so much pain, so much hurt and so much anguish. I still go through these days. Days where I have questioned, not just the meaning of life, but the meaning of myself, I. Wondering who I am? and what I’m doing? Days where I have just felt complete and utter emptiness, wondering why life is so meaningless…

But, I have concluded that, everything in life has a meaning.

Everything.

From the tiny ant that you see on the ground, to the shining star that glows at night.

From the the breathe of air that you inhale to the sounds of silence.

Everything on this earth has a meaning. It has a meaning to each and every single one of us.

You don’t have to look far for that meaning, all you have to do is look in the mirror.

Look at your reflection.

images

Because, you are the meaning of life. You are wonderful, amazing, beautiful, courageous and strong. Everything you have gone through, all that hurt and pain, all those negative comments people have said to you, the way they’ve treated you is what has given you meaning. It has given you life because without all of the struggles you’ve gone through, you wouldn’t be the person you are today. You wouldn’t be standing here so strong.         You wouldn’t be the reflection. 

Remember, whatever you think or feel is ‘meaningless’, only arises from yourself and the judgements that you have made. All you have to do is change the way you view life, change the way you view yourself and see that change.

Trust and beboldhideless. 

 

Life · Pain

Despite the past, it still pains…

Woman-Depressed.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

What am I doing to myself? why am I doing this to myself?I’m holding back so much. So much that its unbearable yet I still keep going with it. Why can’t I be kind to myself? Why can’t I love myself? I’m tired of doing this to myself. I’m tired of not loving myself.

I try to be a confident, young woman and comfortable in my skin, not worrying what others think of me.Instead what attacks me more is worrying about what I think of myself. Me. I feel extremely negative towards myself that when I do say a positive thing about me it makes me emotional, like teary emotional.

I’ve spoken about confidence in my other posts. It’s something I’m working on.

The other day whilst at work I was included in the numbers and given a responsibility. It involved my name being put on the board along with other members of staff. I felt nervous, extremely nervous, which is normal I guess for anyone whose new to the role. But, I didn’t want my name there.

I didn’t want anyone to notice me, to see me. I wanted to be invisible..

I was questioning myself the whole time, doubting myself, not believing in myself and constantly kept putting myself down. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself I know I can do it but, something within me isn’t having it. It kept telling me I was no good. I need to take a backseat.

I felt really uncomfortable and scared. I was fearful. I didn’t want to make a mistake.

Looking back I guess that something within me was “little A”. It was little me, fearful for her life. Continuously being told you’re not worthy, useless, ugly and incompetent was hard. I was used to sitting in the back seat.

I was silenced into not speaking out. I was told no-one would believe me. No-one would listen.

I was always in the shadows and never had the limelight.

I was always the one to say “yes” and never commanded or was seen.
And now,  now, I’m working in a field where I need to put myself forward; no longer in the back seat. I’m in a profession that requires me to speak out for the vulnerable and weak.

How can I take this responsibility when,

I still haven’t been in contact with the little girl, called me.

emotional-pain1

A

X

Beboldhideless

Life · Pain · Uncategorized

Why does it hurt?

I feel myself going forward, but seem to be holding myself back. As soon as I enter the room my mind tells me that I can’t do it, no -one will believe you, no-one cares and no-one wants to hear it.

It keeps repeating itself, over and over again as though its a stereo.

pain

I know I can do it.

You know I sometimes question myself, I ask myself, am I making this all up? is this even true? whats going on? I begin to question my own judgement because people have not taking responsibility. No one has confessed for the wrong thats happened and for that reason I’ve decided to pick up the pieces. I mean, someone has to. 

It’s weighed me down tremondleously. At first, it was bearable. Now, its pulled me completely down and I’m just about off the ground.

I’m broken, Im hurting and I’m in pain. Why can’t people take responsibility for the wrong they’ve done? why can’t someone confess.  Can’t you see I’m in pain?

I’ve been hurting for a while, you haven’t noticed, you’ve seen me day by day but no notice, you hear my pleads, my shouts, my crying and my arguments but never see or hear the pain I’m in? how can this be? am I not deserving of your love.

Despite whats happened, or gone on in life, people will not always take responsibility for the harm they’ve caused you.  They will not apologies, even though you prove to them that they’re in the wrong. Even though theres living proof of the harm caused.

This is not because they don’t believe you, this is because they know they’ve wronged you, but don’t see the harm that was caused.

In this situation you may never get an apology. And you’re likely to be waiting your entire life for something that, perhaps isn’t on anyones agenda. You need to keep your head up high, stay strong and work on yourself. Build your character and strength.

I know everything I feel, think or experience is real. I have not made it up.

People need to understand, that survivors  are not just great story tellers.

I’ve learnt to just be me.

I’m just going to

beboldhideless

x

 

Life · Pain

Separation

Separation is probably a must.

Sometimes in life you have to just be selfish. You WILL disappoint, you WILL upset people along the way, you WILL be cursed but, you have to just be selfish.

No matter what you do to try and make things better it wont change. The only one that can change is yourself. You can make the difference and be that change.

This journey will be hard, it will be lonely, there will be tears, sweat and blood. At the end of the day, it’s your life, you’re the one living it. So no matter how hard it will be, always remember the end result, it will be worth it.

“life is hard. You came into it with difficulty, hardship, blood and sweat and you will experience difficulty, hardship, blood and sweat. But, the end of the road will be beautiful” anon

The struggles that I’ve been through the last thing I want is for my friends to be hurt I can’t let them be hurt, even if it means separating  family from friends.

I can’t go through that. I just can’t. I can’t let them speak bad about my friends, the friends who stood by me when the ones who were meant to protect me and love me shut me down. Calling me all kinds. Being called a ‘betrayer’ is what hurt the most. To be told my members of family that you have betrayed them, to be told  you have ruined the lives of others while you hurt and try to get your life on track, is the worst feeling anyone can experience. It’s the loneliest experience.

If I’m being honest, I’m still hiding. 

I’m still fighting with myself. The battle in your mind, telling you to do one thing and then dismissing it saying you can’t. The mind that knows truth from falsehood and darkness from light. Did you make the right choice?

You continue to live life trying to please others and making them smile. You do a good job fulfilling their happiness but neglect yours. They don’t think twice about how you’re feeling or what you’re going through, they don’t give two pennies about it all. And yet you try and try and try. Until only God knows when you’ll stop

I keep doing the same thing again and again about pleasing others. And it hurts, it hurts so much putting your life on the side trying to fulfil others. God does not want that plan for you, and if God does not want that plan for you to just live the life of others and sit around then what does that mean. It means your treasure is still waiting for you.

I’ve not been so broken inside. Constant battling between wanting to live your life and trying to please others. Just know that living the life of others is not cool, it’s tiring, it hurts, its dark and painful.

It need not be that way.

If you want to look after yourself then you need to love yourself and know yourself. You can’t pretend your doing the above and yet hope for success and acceptance.

As I continuously keep mentioning about life being a journey, because it is. Your journey is going to be different from your friends, your neighbours, your colleagues. It will be different. If it were the same then that wouldn’t be beautiful, you would have the same experiences, and you wont learn from the same experiences.

Where the problem of disappointment and lack of self-acceptance comes from is the fact that you are looking so much at others, looking so much at their life, their job, their looks that you completely neglect yourself. You forget who you are and what your purpose is,

you are meant to be special. your life is awaiting you, all you need to do is walk towards it. It may take you hours, days, weeks, months or even years to get there but, it is waiting for you.

beboldhideless 

x

Life · Pain · Uncategorized

Di-sa-ppoint-ment

Do you ever feel so much pain sometimes, and yet try to cover it up and pretend it doesn’t exist? So much pain that you wonder why you’re here, so much pain that you want it to end so much pain that life’ is no more.

so much heartache……Why? It stems from disappointment.

Disappointment:

Noun- dɪsa-ppoint-ment

> sadness or displeasure caused by non-fulfilment of ones hopes or expectations.

My hopes and expectations have never been met or fulfilled and I still try; I still hope that people will change for the better. Wait… hold up, I shouldn’t have to wait or hope in others for my life to be brighter, I should move on up. However, sometimes I guess people will never change. The change must come from yourself. During my early years I’ve always been disappointed, life just wasn’t the way I hoped or wished for, it was a challenge.

To be honest, even now I have been disappointed. To a point that I cant trust any being or, want to live if the closest to you cause you so much harm. I would always wait for a miracle to happen….await for a superhero to take me away, away from all trouble and put me somewhere where i belong…somewhere I feel safe and secure.

I was always the one who wouldn’t speak up, the one who was at the bottom, the one who….. I wouldn’t necessarily say no-one wanted to be friends with me rather, I tried to fit into different groups…even if it meant pretending to like what they liked. You’re probably wondering..who has time for that? I guess for me it wasn’t time it was a way of hiding…concealing myself. Any group I went to I would feel disappointed…. it wasn’t what I hoped for.

maybe your placing so much on others

maybe its your expectations thats causing you disappointment

sometimes we have so much expectations of people that we forget that they aren’t able to offer us what we need or want. Those people can be include family.

The reason for my disappointments is linked to my expectations. If I had not placed so much emphasis on the importance family then maybe just maybe I would not be feeling low or broken.

Life’s disappointments kept pushing me back to the start, it keeps pushing me back to the starting point. I keep setting myself targets and goals; I’ve said to myself that I will…what happens? I can’t do it.

I’m back to the start with the negative thoughts, self-loathe, worthlessness and self-blame. It just gets stronger and stronger. Life is moving, the sun rises and sets everyday but I, I is still searching for the bright light, well, I guess I’ve seen it, I just need to walk towards it.

I’m not going to blame others for trying to ‘conceal myself’ I just didn’t know who I was, I still don’t know who I am, which is why I’m embarking on this journey.

you have a chance…

I’ve always been told that I shouldn’t aim high, I should only reach for what I am capable of reaching. Little did I no that I am actually capable of achieving my goals, I’m capable of doing what I want to, as long as I put my mind to it.  Let me tell you something, when it came to applying to university, I asked my teacher whether I should apply to this specific uni, bearing in mind I wasn’t predicted A’s and was doing a BTEC. Not that theres anything wrong with a BTEC. The point is she said I had no chance. Now, I’m studying at a prestigious university doing what I dreamed of.

I dreamed when I was younger that I want to help others when I’m older, I want to be able to give them that compassion which they may not have received and make a difference. Only a couple more months until I have that title, God Willing of course.

It just proves that when you put your mind to it, it is possible and you will achieve it. It’s all in the mind.

You’ve just got to beboldhideless. 

x