It’s the new year and a time where we reflect on the previous year and go over the obstacles and battles we faced as well as the achievements we have gained. It’s also the time where we create goals and aspirations for the new year!
I can honestly say that 2017 was the year I significantly changed for the better! I have never been so positive and optimistic for the future. The way I feel now….how clear my mind is…it feels so so real!
2017, was the year I discovered who I really was, I discovered what was deeper than what I could see. I discovered my true self, my value, my worth and my respect.
It took me 22 years to come out of my shell, it took me 22 years to get to know myself, to know longer hide behind others, to know longer feel ashamed of myself, to not lock myself in my room, to see the world for what it really is, to see the beauty in others! But, yet to feel safe.
As I write this, my eyes fill up with tears and my mind remembers as I look back at how far I have come. I have battled so much to get where I am, I have been through what feels like hell and back again, and I still survived.
The amount of times I contemplated on taking my own life, because I just did not feel good enough, I felt unworthy, unloved and despised by others. I felt “different” and did not feel like I could belong, anywhere. Always hiding behind others and never expressing my interests, because I washable to. Always being told what to do and not being listened too. Being the quietest one and not feeling like my opinion is worthy of being heard. I was stripped, stripped of having a voice. You would tell me to speak up and ask for help, but, you would also tell me…
not to speak, and to not tell others of “our” business.
The conflicting minds I would have caused me even more anxiety and confusion.
The amount of times I thought of disappearing and just getting away from it all because I just could not breathe or lift a finger on my own accord; constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering what they might say, how they will react and who would believe you.
“You’re just a short tempered angry person; you’re always angry”. But, did you ever ask, WHY?
Day in and day out, I was constantly thinking of how bad I was and how people would be better off without me because they just did not understand me; they could not see how I was battling and fighting to survive. Fighting to live life.
Depression and anxiety were constant features of my life, which never allowed me to live life to the fullest. It would suck all the energy out of me and cause me to feel extreme sadness and pain. It would cause me to live in utter darkness and have extreme self-hatred and doubt.
At times it would honestly feel like I was watching a movie….and did not feel connected to my body. That was how much pain I was in and how much I wanted to avoid feeling.
After calling out to the Lord, whilst in soo much pain and asking for His help, I was able to see the light. After engaging with a few therapists and surrounding myself with beautiful friends, who I call sisters, I was able to slowly come out of this hole and darkness I was in. It was not easy, not even one bit but, I gave it all the strength I had remaining!! Every little bit.
Whilst going through all of this pain and heartache I was able to achieve my goals; I was able to go above and beyond to get where I am, despite the cloudy thoughts and self-doubt. I made it. And I will continue to keep going, and having bigger dreams and aspirations. For I only just realised how worthy I am.
Regardless of what anyone says to you or makes you feel, remember you are worthy and are loved! You may not feel it or see it but you are. You have your whole life ahead of you, a path, a path which has your name on it.
\be bold hide less\