Life · Uncategorized

What it means to me…

Written a couple months ago:

I have been sitting here for a while wondering what to write about…

For me, I can only write about personal experiences and activities I have done or engaged in. so why not start there..

The first couple of questions people ask you when you first meet is, what do you like or what are you interested in?

These questions should be quite straightforward and shouldn’t be difficult to respond, right? I mean, its usually how your form friendships.

For me, it was one of my weaknesses  and one of those conversation that would make me uncomfortable and afraid. If I’m honest, I still find it difficult but, push myself, as I know the consequences that comes along with it; to list a few, not having a wide social network and not being able to meet amazing people; all because of my bad experiences.

For me, telling someone about myself, is not what it is for many, I don’t really know how to explain it, I do find it hard to express myself in words, if I’m to tell someone about myself, I find it very, I mean extremely invasive; the best word to describe it is, “intimate”.

The reason I have found it difficult to talk about myself and my interests is because I was hurt. I was hurt many times during my childhood;

hurt by those closest to me; hurt by the ones who were meant to protect me,  hurt by the ones who claimed to be my ‘friend’.

I was hurt by the people, who I never thought could be the cause of hurt…….family.

That hurt and pain I felt, that betrayal,  I just could not see myself go through the same thing again, I couldn’t.

I couldn’t deal with the physical and emotional pain that it caused, I couldn’t deal with the thought of opening up to someone, trusting them and then being betrayed. I could almost compare it to entering a home with the door wide open, just as you carry your leg into the room, the door is slammed in your face. The unexpected shut of the door is what causes the most damage,

As a result of my awful experiences as a child, I now find it hard to trust people. Trust, a word that is said a lot, that carries significant meaning.

with love,

A x

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