Despite the past, it still pains…

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What am I doing to myself? why am I doing this to myself?I’m holding back so much. So much that its unbearable yet I still keep going with it. Why can’t I be kind to myself? Why can’t I love myself? I’m tired of doing this to myself. I’m tired of not loving myself.

I try to be a confident, young woman and comfortable in my skin, not worrying what others think of me.Instead what attacks me more is worrying about what I think of myself. Me. I feel extremely negative towards myself that when I do say a positive thing about me it makes me emotional, like teary emotional.

I’ve spoken about confidence in my other posts. It’s something I’m working on.

The other day whilst at work I was included in the numbers and given a responsibility. It involved my name being put on the board along with other members of staff. I felt nervous, extremely nervous, which is normal I guess for anyone whose new to the role. But, I didn’t want my name there.

I didn’t want anyone to notice me, to see me. I wanted to be invisible..

I was questioning myself the whole time, doubting myself, not believing in myself and constantly kept putting myself down. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself I know I can do it but, something within me isn’t having it. It kept telling me I was no good. I need to take a backseat.

I felt really uncomfortable and scared. I was fearful. I didn’t want to make a mistake.

Looking back I guess that something within me was “little A”. It was little me, fearful for her life. Continuously being told you’re not worthy, useless, ugly and incompetent was hard. I was used to sitting in the back seat.

I was silenced into not speaking out. I was told no-one would believe me. No-one would listen.

I was always in the shadows and never had the limelight.

I was always the one to say “yes” and never commanded or was seen.
And now,  now, I’m working in a field where I need to put myself forward; no longer in the back seat. I’m in a profession that requires me to speak out for the vulnerable and weak.

How can I take this responsibility when,

I still haven’t been in contact with the little girl, called me.

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Beboldhideless

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