Life · Pain · Uncategorized

Di-sa-ppoint-ment

Do you ever feel so much pain sometimes, and yet try to cover it up and pretend it doesn’t exist? So much pain that you wonder why you’re here, so much pain that you want it to end so much pain that life’ is no more.

so much heartache……Why? It stems from disappointment.

Disappointment:

Noun- dɪsa-ppoint-ment

> sadness or displeasure caused by non-fulfilment of ones hopes or expectations.

My hopes and expectations have never been met or fulfilled and I still try; I still hope that people will change for the better. Wait… hold up, I shouldn’t have to wait or hope in others for my life to be brighter, I should move on up. However, sometimes I guess people will never change. The change must come from yourself. During my early years I’ve always been disappointed, life just wasn’t the way I hoped or wished for, it was a challenge.

To be honest, even now I have been disappointed. To a point that I cant trust any being or, want to live if the closest to you cause you so much harm. I would always wait for a miracle to happen….await for a superhero to take me away, away from all trouble and put me somewhere where i belong…somewhere I feel safe and secure.

I was always the one who wouldn’t speak up, the one who was at the bottom, the one who….. I wouldn’t necessarily say no-one wanted to be friends with me rather, I tried to fit into different groups…even if it meant pretending to like what they liked. You’re probably wondering..who has time for that? I guess for me it wasn’t time it was a way of hiding…concealing myself. Any group I went to I would feel disappointed…. it wasn’t what I hoped for.

maybe your placing so much on others

maybe its your expectations thats causing you disappointment

sometimes we have so much expectations of people that we forget that they aren’t able to offer us what we need or want. Those people can be include family.

The reason for my disappointments is linked to my expectations. If I had not placed so much emphasis on the importance family then maybe just maybe I would not be feeling low or broken.

Life’s disappointments kept pushing me back to the start, it keeps pushing me back to the starting point. I keep setting myself targets and goals; I’ve said to myself that I will…what happens? I can’t do it.

I’m back to the start with the negative thoughts, self-loathe, worthlessness and self-blame. It just gets stronger and stronger. Life is moving, the sun rises and sets everyday but I, I is still searching for the bright light, well, I guess I’ve seen it, I just need to walk towards it.

I’m not going to blame others for trying to ‘conceal myself’ I just didn’t know who I was, I still don’t know who I am, which is why I’m embarking on this journey.

you have a chance…

I’ve always been told that I shouldn’t aim high, I should only reach for what I am capable of reaching. Little did I no that I am actually capable of achieving my goals, I’m capable of doing what I want to, as long as I put my mind to it.  Let me tell you something, when it came to applying to university, I asked my teacher whether I should apply to this specific uni, bearing in mind I wasn’t predicted A’s and was doing a BTEC. Not that theres anything wrong with a BTEC. The point is she said I had no chance. Now, I’m studying at a prestigious university doing what I dreamed of.

I dreamed when I was younger that I want to help others when I’m older, I want to be able to give them that compassion which they may not have received and make a difference. Only a couple more months until I have that title, God Willing of course.

It just proves that when you put your mind to it, it is possible and you will achieve it. It’s all in the mind.

You’ve just got to beboldhideless. 

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