Dear eating disorder,

I was young, weak and vulnerable,

in so much pain and despair.

I had reached my peak,

as life became so bleak.

I could not trust anyone, as people closest to me had broken my trust.

I gave you my heart, expecting love and support, instead,

I received hurt.

You stole your heart.

You ripped my insides and left me out to dry.

I had no control of what was going on,

the pain and fury was bubbling up inside, having no place to hide.

I want to let you know that I let you in, when no-one else could be trusted.

I thought you would make me feel good and worthy.

Don’t get me wrong, there were times when I felt in control and on the upper hand.

When I thought I had little control, you gave that me; you showed me what it feels like to

be in control.

But, what I received, was nothing like what I expected.

I want to let you know how dark you used to make my day,

and how cold my nights.

You would leave me hungry and weak,

as you tore through my life;

restricting my intake,

leading me to count calories instead of creating memories and goals.

why would you do this to me?

Telling me how worthless and ugly I was,

how fat my thighs were,

how big my stomach;

Little did I know that you blinded me with your lies.

The control which I was longing for, was know longer there, rather, you made me feel

weak and ashamed.


Standing in front of a mirror,

I could not see!

you blurred out my vision and clouded my thoughts.

A second, a minute, an hour, a day a week would go by,

there was never a day that you would walk on by.

The buzzer would go off, and young teenagers would go out to chicken shops or eat


My idea was to go home, where you would follow and start the pickering again.

Despite my body saying “I am hungry”,

you only ignored.


You introduced me to a friend called, scale.

Checking my weight hardly ever,

I was doing it daily, seemingly like forever.

The small amount I gained, the harder I became to myself.

At first your voices were not loud, but as time went on they would get louder and louder.

To a point where I would restrict my calorie intake to just 500 or..maybe just have an apple,

or maybe even a cookie if I was treating myself.

Looking religiously at food packaging,

I became obsessed. This happened for days, weeks, months and years.

You followed me throughout my teens,

and stayed when you were know longer wanted.

You’ve led many people to their end

and a majority crying out for help,

some even standing on the edge.


I would suffer in silence, and not make a sound.

“Oh how you have lost weight”…… “you’re so skinny”…. “you really need to eat”

“Here, have this pasta”

Yet, those closest never knew what I was battling with.

I needed that control so much, and I wanted to cause myself pain.

You ask why?

It was because I had such low self-esteem, and no self-worth. Not forgetting the pain I swallowed.

I despised who I was….

I could not see me, for you have blinded me.

I could have been a statistic,

but….. I decided to rise up and overcome. 


It was only when I realised you were an enemy rather than a friend that I decided to say goodbye.

You did not give up so easily,

coming through when times were hard.

I shut you out for good,

not to return.

I put my foot down and had supportive friends,

people who truly cared and were interested in my future.

This would be the end for you.

Never to return.

Be |bold| hide| less|

A x









The dangers of depression and it’s deadly effect on you

It’s the new year and a time where we reflect on the previous year and go over the obstacles and battles we faced as well as the achievements we have gained.  It’s also the time where we create goals and aspirations for the new year!


I can honestly say that 2017 was the year I significantly changed for the better! I have never been so positive and optimistic for the future. The way I feel now….how clear my mind is…it feels so so real!

2017, was the year I discovered who I really was, I discovered what was deeper than what I could see. I discovered my true self, my value, my worth and my respect.

It took me 22 years to come out of my shell, it took me 22 years to get to know myself, to know longer hide behind others, to know longer feel ashamed of myself, to not lock myself in my room, to see the world for what it really is, to see the beauty in others! But, yet to feel safe.

As I write this, my eyes fill up with tears and my mind remembers as I look back at how far I have come. I have battled so much to get where I am, I have been through what feels like hell and back again, and I still survived.

The amount of times I contemplated on taking my own life, because I just did not feel good enough, I felt unworthy, unloved and despised by others. I felt “different” and did not feel like I could belong, anywhere. Always hiding behind others and never expressing my interests, because I washable to. Always being told what to do and not being listened too. Being the quietest one and not feeling like my opinion is worthy of being heard. I was stripped, stripped of having a voice. You would tell me to speak up and ask for help, but, you would also tell me…

not to speak, and to not tell others of “our” business. 

The conflicting minds I would have caused me even more anxiety and confusion.

mind &heart

The amount of times I thought of disappearing and just getting away from it all because I just could not breathe or lift a finger on my own accord; constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering what they might say, how they will react and who would believe you.

“You’re just a short tempered angry person; you’re always angry”. But, did you ever ask, WHY?


Day in and day out, I was constantly thinking of how bad I was and how people would be better off without me because they just did not understand me; they could not see how I was battling and fighting to survive.  Fighting to live life.

Depression and anxiety were constant features of my life, which never allowed me to live life to the fullest.  It would suck all the energy out of me and cause me to feel extreme sadness and pain. It would cause me to live in utter darkness and have extreme self-hatred and doubt.


At times it would honestly feel like I was watching a movie….and did not feel connected to my body. That was how much pain I was in and how much I wanted to avoid feeling.

After calling out to the Lord, whilst in soo much pain and asking for His help, I was able to see the light. After engaging with a few therapists and surrounding myself with beautiful friends, who I call sisters, I was able to slowly come out of this hole and darkness I was in. It was not easy, not even one bit but, I gave it all the strength I had remaining!! Every little bit.


Whilst going through all of this pain and heartache I was able to achieve my goals; I was able to go above and beyond to get where I am, despite the cloudy thoughts and self-doubt. I made it. And I will continue to keep going, and having bigger dreams and aspirations. For I only just realised how worthy I am.

Regardless of what anyone says to you or makes you feel, remember you are worthy and are loved! You may not feel it or see it but you are. You have your whole life ahead of you, a path, a path which has your name on it.



\be bold hide less\






What people don’t tell you about final destinations?

Sadness and loneliness; its a feeling or emotion that doesn’t leave you for too long.

Just when you feel like your getting yourself together and your moving forward, it comes back to say hello. It introduces itself into your life, as though it was never there. You begin to feel low..sad and dwell on your past. Wondering what if and what am I?

You are suddenly overwhelmed with emotions.

Did anyone say that being a survivor means youwouldn’t feel any type of pain?

Did anyone say it would be easy?

Yes, I said easy………..we want life to be a smooth highway with little or no obstacles and everything within our reach. But, in reality, that never happens. Because life is meant to be a journey, not a destination. Sometimes its your journey that teaches you a lot about your destination.

The moment you realise this, the more inclined you’ll be to moving forward and never settling for less. The more you learn, the more you increase your knowledge. The more you increase your knowledge the more open you will become. The more open you become the more power you will have!

I realised life was a journey when I was finishing college and moving onto university; a life event….one which was unexpected but made me realise that life is not a destination. I began to ask myself am I where I want to be? am I happy? have I achieved all my goals? and is my relationship with God good?

The answer to all of these questions was no.

So why is it that we must rush rush rush to a destination, which we may never reach or, may not exist.


Many of us ignore our blessings, we ignore the things which are important and have a significance in our lives, whilst in pursuit of the things you want to achieve.

What happens along the way is that the things we do have, become dust and begin to disappear just like the foam of the ocean. What was once there, is now no more. We lose relationships with our family, friends and colleagues. We lose interest in any activities once enjoyed all because we were so focused on a “final destination”.

It’s only time that you enjoy the journey, and smell the roses along the way along with observing the beautiful scenery.

If you haven’t already done so, then make sure you embark on your ship, because you have a beautiful journey ahead of you.

Stay beautiful and

be bold hide less. 

A x

Confidence · lifestyle

Never give up, because you can


Girls can do anything!

As any “new” beginner or anyone who hasn’t blogged in a while. It can be difficult to start writing again, or even know what to write about.  You write something and realise it doesn’t make sense or even flow well, and then erase it! I have attempted to blog far too many times but don’t feel my content is “perfect”.  Wait……does perfect even exist? I don’t think so, yet I try to aim for that; we aim for something which does not exist. And that only crushes us.

Moving on,

After three years of hard work, long hours and intense studying I can officially say I am now a graduate. I have graduated with a nursing degree and I can now say I am a qualified nurse. It was not easy and has to be one of the difficult things I have done, particularly going through my final year……but I did it!

I remember when I was younger being asked what I wanted to do when I was older, and I said a nurse. I did not say anything else other than that. It was always a nurse. From then till now, I stayed focus and was determined to achieve it.

There were plenty of obstacles in my way in the form of “people” and myself. They thought I could not do it, was not intellectual enough or confident enough to achieve my goals. However, I did not let that get to me. I did not allow peoples negative comments to determine my future.

I came across these quotes, which I feel reiterates the importance of avoiding negative people or, being surrounded by people who will not support your decisions or choices.

“Protect your good image from the eyes of negative viewers, who may look at your good appearance with an ugly fiendish eye, and ruin your positive qualities with their chemical infested tongues.” 
― Michael Bassey Johnson

“You cannot expect to live a positive life if you hang with negative people.” 
― Joel Osteen

I’d like to share with you 3 things you need to do to achieve your goals and stay focused:

  1. Avoid hanging with negative people> its not always easy to detect those negative people around you. But, they will most likely always discourage you from achieving what you want to achieve. They will always tell you what they want to tell you not what they should be telling you. Not only do you have to listen to these people to know that they are being negative, sometimes you have a gut feeling. Some people will choose to ignore it whereas others would go with their gut. I myself, often go with my gut, because sometimes you could end up being blind of someones pessimism that you end up spending a lot of time with them. One word to describe them is, toxic!
  2. Change your attitude > spending most of your time with negative people is likely to affect your mood and attitude towards others and yourself. Allow yourself to express positive emotions by repeating positive affirmations.  Engage in activities and sports that make you feel like a queen. Be mindful and conscious of negative affirmations you may develop as they will have an awfully negative effect on your life- as you may have heard, if you repeat something often you will end up believing it. The dangers of negative affirmations is that it may lead you to develop, depression, low self-esteem and confidence The mind is very powerful and whatever you tell it, it believes it.  The only person who has the power to change this is yourself. For this reason, anytime you have a negative comment, you must replace it with a positive affirmation.
  3.  Believe in yourself! > You need to have fun faith in yourself and be mindful of your capabilities and strengths.  Know that you have a lot of offer, despite how many hardships have come your way, regardless of what difficulty your currently in; know your power and your strength.  It’s quite easy for us to focus on our losses in the day and negatives that we encountered, instead of focusing on and counting all the positive experiences we have had.  I allow myself to look back and focus on the positive things that have happened rather than coming home and dwelling on all the toxic things I have seen; it can be difficult but you have to train yourself. Just keep doing it!

Theres the phrase, “the world is what you make it”, if you make it into a good place then it’ll be good but, if you make it out to be bad, then you’ll just see the bad.

Remember that every obstacle is an opportunity.

Smile and remember to

be bold hide less,



lifestyle · Uncategorized

Love thy self

“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.” 

C. Joybell C. 

“If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.” 
― Charles Bukowski 

Love, love, love, what does it actually mean? a word that we take lightly and thrive to feel.

Love can be defined as an indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone ; or yourself. Who says that you can’t love yourself. Love is an incredibly powerful word with so much emotion.

Yet, why do we find it so hard to love ourselves?

I understood the word love to be a strong emotion, and that it could only be applied to what you desired and enjoyed. I never thought of loving myself nor, did it come to mind once. I actually believed you could only love others, and not yourself; that was the whole point of love. Little did I know. That’s a bit silly isn’t it? But, again coming from an environment where you were not told to love yourself or, were able to experience love made it difficult to apply and understand its meaning.

There are many reasons why we made it find it hard to love ourselves; these include:

A. Bad experiences: having traumatic or damaging experiences during our childhood or early years can make it difficult for us to love ourselves. We are programmed rather than condition to love ourselves more when something good happens and dislike ourselves when we meet failure. These awful experiences will only cause us to be destructive to ourselves and not loving oneself can be very harmful. 

B. Not being told to love yourself: coming from a background or an environment where ‘self-love’ was not preached or advocated for can make it extremely difficult for someone to love themselves.

C.  low self-esteem: will cause a person to have negative thoughts about themselves such as they’re” unlovable or, unworthy”. The thought of loving themselves certainly will not come to mind.

The benefits of loving yourself is immense, and we should encourage one another to love ourselves, otherwise if we don’t then who will?

Loving yourself allows us to:

  1. enjoy life more
  2. expands your relationships with others
  3. makes you more attractive
  4. makes you a lot stronger
  5. contributes to your growth!

You are beautiful the way you are and should not have to change for anyone! Love yourself before you love anyone else; you are more deserving than you think.

Be bold hide less

A x

Life · Uncategorized

The secret to happiness..

We all want to be happy in life, don’t we? We want deeper relationships, better health, more in life and increased productivity.

What if you were told how to gain all of it? What if you were told to do one thing to be happy in life?

The key to productivity and to gain more in life is…. gratitude. 

It’s a term that is used often by many but, tends to be misunderstood or not used in the right context.

Gratitude-ɡratɪtjuːd, is an emotion expressing appreciation for what others have done for you and being thankful. And no, being thankful does not mean you are weak; gratitude and weakness are incomparable. Psychologists have found that being grateful is more than being thankful, it is a much deeper appreciation of something or someone, which produces a much longer lasting positive effect on a person.

group of happy young people jumping on the mountain

We are very much focused upon what others have and looking at the small piece which is missing from us that we completely forget we are “rich”.  And no, I am not talking about wealth/money, there is more to life than having thousands of cash stacked away, you can be rich of needs. We completely forget about all the things we have and what God has blessed us with. Do you ever stop and think about all you have?

I know with me, I would see all I have and yet look at what the person next to me has and would want that. It would blind me of all I had, so much so that I would completely forget I had anything. For example, I wanted a family who were supportive and parents who would tell me “its okay” and would support my decisions; I did crave that mother-daughter relationship that I would see other girls had. What I did not see is that those other girls did not have a father or, they had a father but, had no relationship with him. I did not see how they much they wanted to have that father figure. I did not see that I had both parents who I was living with- all I saw was the mother-daughter relationship I was missing.

Thinking like that only increased my sadness and feelings of being inadequate.

Expressing gratitude is not easy when going through a difficulty.  In actual fact, this is when it can increase your happiness- when you not only express gratitude when things are going well but when things are challenging.

maxresdefault.jpgA couple of years ago, I made a disclosure, one which was extremely difficult and personal. Being an introvert and not telling people abut myself, the disclosure was terrifying and challenging.

During this ornerous ordeal, I was very grateful for my friends and tutors for their support and encouragement. At first, I despised them for it, I was annoyed and upset at what they made me do, at how they destroyed  my family relations. Looking back now, disclosing was not a bad thing, it was a good thing- it was when my journey to heal started; it was when I discovered the power of gratitude. 

As time went on I began to focus on the things I was grateful for, which removed me from dwelling on all my worries and anxieties.

Not only did expressing gratitude remove me from all my worries,  it actually has strengthened my relationship with family, friends and even strangers!

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Melody Beattie

The benefits of showing gratitude is enormous both for your personal development and others. I would like to share two important benefits:

  1. makes us happier: it allows us to appreciate what we have even though it may not be great or even beneficial to us. It removes us from all harmful toxic emotions and allows us to experience good feelings.
  2. increases our self-esteem: being grateful removes us from comparing ourselves with others, it allows us to look at what we have and be thankful. It humbles us and reminds us to be thankful and remember that someone else may wish for what you have, and vice-versa. Also, it allows us to appreciate other peoples accomplishment.

Stay beautiful and always be bold hide less. 

A x

poetry · Uncategorized

They thought…

Illustration of a crying woman

They thought you were quiet,

a push over,


and alone.

You were quite, 

observent and


Life was good,

white and bright.

You were hurt, wronged

and ignored.

In silence, you were in pain

trying to be sane.

Those dark nights,

were lonely and painful.

Crying and crying,

till there were no more tears

but heartache.

After thousands of minutes and seconds,

you sprouted and bloomed.

Those tears of pain and heartache, 

were now tears of happiness and joy.

They thought you were quiet,

a push over 

timid and alone.

But, dismissed your light

strength, courage and confidence.

Life is too precious to live in pain and surround yourself by those who will drain your energy. Surround yourself by those who will compliment you, support you, believe in you and carry you, through your good and bad times.

Yes, growing is not easy, changing is not easy; no one said it would be easy. But does anything beautiful come easy, without pain or difficulty?

Life is a struggle and life is beautiful.

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” 
― C. JoyBell C. 

Remember to stay beautiful and be bold hide less.  

A x







Who are you?

Do you ever ask yourself this, and wonder, who you are?


I mean, you may respond  to this question by saying either your name, ethnicity, place of birth or even a characteristic. I myself, would say I am a student, lives in London and loves to help……but it really depends on the context the question is asked in.

Unfortunately, not everyone would know how to answer this question when they ask themselves. It could be for a number of reasons and for myself, the difficulty in answering this question “Who are you?” is it is quite “invasive”. I am not too sure if that is the correct term to use but, it summarises how I feel. What I mean by invasive is that the questions requires you to be open about yourself, to yourself.  You are also, telling others about yourself; which in a way acts as a window and allows them to either come in or walk away.

It has taken me a very long time to start to feel confident and comfortable in my skin; the more I was becoming true to myself and not worrying about what others think of me, the more I was beginning to appreciate and accept myself.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not where I want to be yet but, I have started the process and that is the most important thing; you need to acknowledge and understand what you need to do to move forward. You can write bullet points or make notes somewhere of what you need to do.

I believe that people can feel your sincerity, strength and confidence. I honestly believe that people will respect you once they know you respect yourself. If they see that you are proud, not ashamed and carry yourself well, they will respect that. Although they may not like you, they will will find it quite difficult to disrespect you, once they see how you stand. I have been told many times by people that I look confident. In all honestly, I would not say I am confident but, I act confident- theres a difference there. I do not like people walking all over me, so I ensure that my voice is heard, and no, that does not mean shouting; if not, I behave in a sophisticated manner and show confidence in the role I am in, whether that be a sales assistant or medical profession.  This can only be done when you fully understand your role.

It is very important to identify and be mindful of your strengths and weaknesses. This is not only for personal growth but, for the safety and growth of your businesses/profession. Regardless of whatever field of work you are in,  it is extremely important to be able to identify your strengths and not just your flaws. For a long time now I have not been able to state my strengths or even identify what I was good at, as I felt I was not good enough. Yet, I was extremely quick to list my weaknesses. For a long time the list would only increase; it would prevent me from feeling anything positive towards myself; this included loving myself- a feeling which I feared to feel and show, due to traumatic experiences that involved being taken advantage of. To overcome this,  I had to become selfish and shameless and look at what was best for me that will assist me to move forward.

“Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can’t ride you unless your back is bent.” Martin Luther King Jr


Be confident in who you are and what you believe in. Trust yourself and believe in yourself!  For if you don’t, then who will?

Not knowing who I was actually allowed me to start searching for answers; it gave me an opportunity to start learning about myself and begin growing.  Although, I feared growth and change, I feared not knowing, I knew I had to take the first steps towards it otherwise I would never know. The thought of not knowing, would only hinder me and just increase the anxiety levels.  We should not let our fears stop us from growing as a person.

Be Bold and Be Brave!



Hang in there, it will come


As I write in the present, I begin to feel the new me. 

I begin to feel a “change”

A “change” I have been waiting for so long

I have been trying, trying to figure out who I am. 

Following the crowd, amidst a hot summers day,

pleasing members and trying to be accepted.

Accepted for what? for not being me.

Who am I? I would ask, Who am I? 

The echoes would surround me

The fear of not knowing,

feeling apprehensive of being identified.

Identified as what?….ssshhhh.

It’s all in the mind, no-one knows.

Be kind to yourself, breathe

Allow yourself to dream big,

allow yourself to grow,

you have been hurt, trapped and silence. 

Its your time to blossom, its your time to shine,

Let yourself go, be free

and you will see the beauty of life.

Allow yourself to be determined and you will find success,

allow yourself to love, and you will receive compassion.

Love- and reject hate,

Hope, and wave goodbye to sadness.

Despite the chains that you’ve been tied to,

and the ropes that have stripped you off all hope,

raise your voice, and sing in harmony. 

For change is to come.

No, wait,

it will come.






Life · Uncategorized

What it means to me…

Written a couple months ago:

I have been sitting here for a while wondering what to write about…

For me, I can only write about personal experiences and activities I have done or engaged in. so why not start there..

The first couple of questions people ask you when you first meet is, what do you like or what are you interested in?

These questions should be quite straightforward and shouldn’t be difficult to respond, right? I mean, its usually how your form friendships.

For me, it was one of my weaknesses  and one of those conversation that would make me uncomfortable and afraid. If I’m honest, I still find it difficult but, push myself, as I know the consequences that comes along with it; to list a few, not having a wide social network and not being able to meet amazing people; all because of my bad experiences.

For me, telling someone about myself, is not what it is for many, I don’t really know how to explain it, I do find it hard to express myself in words, if I’m to tell someone about myself, I find it very, I mean extremely invasive; the best word to describe it is, “intimate”.

The reason I have found it difficult to talk about myself and my interests is because I was hurt. I was hurt many times during my childhood;

hurt by those closest to me; hurt by the ones who were meant to protect me,  hurt by the ones who claimed to be my ‘friend’.

I was hurt by the people, who I never thought could be the cause of hurt…….family.

That hurt and pain I felt, that betrayal,  I just could not see myself go through the same thing again, I couldn’t.

I couldn’t deal with the physical and emotional pain that it caused, I couldn’t deal with the thought of opening up to someone, trusting them and then being betrayed. I could almost compare it to entering a home with the door wide open, just as you carry your leg into the room, the door is slammed in your face. The unexpected shut of the door is what causes the most damage,

As a result of my awful experiences as a child, I now find it hard to trust people. Trust, a word that is said a lot, that carries significant meaning.

with love,

A x